A river flows forward

As far as I can recall these words were spoken to me by a college friend in the summer of 1988. We were having a conversation about whether I should allow my ex-boyfriend another chance to be in my life. He wanted to come back and of course he was the love of my life and I wanted nothing more than to take him back with open arms. I had conveniently forgotten of the things he did to cause the end of our love affair. My friend who had just graduated from college simply said to me just remember a river flows forward not backward; you have already been there and seen that, move forward! I decided in my infinite wisdom that he did not know the true depth of our love, we were supposed to be together and I could not mess with fate by walking away from the very thing I had prayed for... We all know how this story ends right, I took him back and he broke my heart a second time. I could have saved myself the heartache by simply listening to that small but powerful piece of advice that was offered to me. How many times has this been the case in our lives? We know better but we don't do better or we shun the advice of others and follow our own misguided judgment and we end up making a bad situation worse. Life and the experiences that we learn should serve as a guide for our future. Nothing happens by accident or coincidence it is all part of a strategic plan so even before we take the wrong turn, our destiny lies before us waiting to unfold. So in theory I made the decision I was supposed to make to learn the lesson I was supposed to learn, crazy how life works that way. Just life as I see it!

How much do I want you to see about me....

Reading and writing are things that I am passionate about! I created a blog a couple of years ago but in my classic style I "went hard in the paint" for 5 seconds and then it fell to the wayside. Last night I was leisurely strolling through twitter when a hashtag caught my attention #31WriteNow so I began to click through the layers of the topic and I uncovered an opportunity that intrigued me. So here I am day one working on my 1st post and for the next 31 days come hell or high water I will make a post. I immediately became overwhelmed after I tweeted "I'm joining @luvvie for the blog challenge in August luvvie.me/31WriteNow#31WriteNow" I began with the self doubt and a million questions: I already have a million things on my plate how can I add one more? Will people judge me for what I write? 31 days is a lot and a lot of topics! I need to step up my technology game so that I can write a blog and schedule it to post? (then I look to the side of the blog and there is a  post setting that says schedule!!) Should I create a new blogspot specifically for this or get over myself and use the spot I already created? I will not go on because all of the questions could be my blog entries for the month. One of the main reasons that I do not blog consistently is because I begin to edit myself before I type/write/scribble one word. The title indicates that transparency is a bit of a concern. I have always felt that the more people know about you the more ammunition they have to use against you. That sounds incredibly paranoid and I want to delete the sentence and move on but I am going to move past the fear. This challenge will be an exercise of growth for me and hopefully by the end I will have overcome the fear that is holding me back from reaching for the stars!

...one day down 30 more to go!

Leap of Faith

It has been far too long since my last post for a variety of reasons but the overarching reason is lack of inspiration. I have to be in a certain space mentality for the words to flow and this morning I am in that space. I have been wide awake for well over and hour and it is 6:40am. I decided to read this morning when I could not go back to sleep and the reading inspired me to write. Here is the question that was my spark of inspiration for today. What would you do if you were not afraid of the outcome? I want you to stop reading right now and make a list of at least 5 things you would do if you were not afraid and then I want you to do one more thing for me, pick one item on this list and commit to doing it within the next 90 days. I know I am asking a lot but I think you will be pleasantly surprised about the outcome of this experience. I would love for you to share the results with me as well. Don't worry I will not be sharing them unless you give me permission to do so. I am just interested in the things that hold other people captive. I will be doing the same exercise and hopefully in a future blog I will be able to share with you which fear I conquered. Did you see how I did that I began to speak life into the situation by declaring a positive outcome? There are enough forces in this world against us, we, ourselves should not be one of them. One of my biggest fears in this life is rejection. So to be more specific, I hesitate to share my true emotions because I don't want to get my feelings hurt or realize that the fantasy that I have created in my head is not the reality of the situation so I keep my feelings to myself which means that I could be missing out on some wonderful opportunities in life. How many of you out there share that same fear. This is one of things that I am going to change about myself. I am going to throw caution to the wind and share what is on my mind and my heart. I say this realizing that I will not always get my desired outcome but that is not what life is about, what kind of world would this be if we all got exactly what we wanted all the time?!?!?! Hmmm more food for thought I guess but not for today. Perhaps overcoming one fear at a time will inspire to conquer all the things that scare me but for today I will focus on this one and begin with the end in mind, success is mine for the taking!

The things I say, say a lot about me

So I am very slowly, I mean very slowly reading Eat, Pray, Love. The reason that I emphasized very slowly is because I love to read. One of my greatest joys in this life is reading a good book, I love words and I definitely love a writer who is able to weave words together into something beautiful that brings a smile to my face as I read it or that makes my heart melt. Eat, Pray, Love has been inspirational for me, there a number of times that I have stopped after reading a passage just because I want to allow it to marinate for a while. I got the book from the library but I soon decided that I needed to own the book because I wanted to be able to highlight passages of text and dog-ear those pages that I enjoyed hence why I am reading the book so slowly, I don't want to miss anything. Another reason that this book is so near and dear to my heart is because the book is about the metamorphosis that the author experiences. I too feel that I am going through a major transformation in my life. Back to the topic at hand while surfing the net for a copy of the book to purchase I began to read people's reviews of the book and it struck me how some people absolutely loved it and gave it a 5 star rating and others hated it and gave it 1 star only because there was not a lower option.  As I began to read the reviews I began to form an opinion of the reviewer in my head, alright you caught me I am judging again but acknowledgment it the first step to recovery! But in all honesty the opinion or judgment was not good or bad it was just my thoughts. We can see things from a very different vantage point depending on where we are in our lives or what we hold in our heart. We all know someone that is an eternal optimist that can find a silver lining in the darkest, most dangerous storm cloud and we all know an eternal pessimist that cannot see the beauty in anything, those feelings come from somewhere deep inside that only that person and their God can change. Matthew 15:18 says "But what comes out of the mouth gets its start in the heart", from The Message Bible (Don't worry I do not intend to start beating you down with bible verses, I just love this particular verse and it is appropriate for the topic at hand) Therefore if your heart is full of joy so too is your speech and to the contrary if your heart is full of sadness then your speech is as well. What are the things you're saying telling the world about you? As I continue to grow and be more mindful of the shadow that I cast I will make a conscious effort to be blissful in my heart so that my words reflect my joy. I cannot promise that I will not have my moment but I will try to be quiet rather than share my sadness with the world. Whoever said stick and stones make break my bones but words can never hurt me was a liar, words hurt worse!

In parting choose your words wisely, they say a lot about you!

And the Oscar goes to...

Each day we play a different role on this stage called life, as a matter of fact we play a number of roles throughout each day of our lives. What roles have you played today? This is weighing on my heart because I often hear people say that someone on Facebook represents themselves totally different in cyberspace than they do in person. That is so interesting to me because the same is probably said about me. And I know that I have said that someone is totally different when I meet them in person or if I already know the person and follow them on Facebook or Twitter and I see someone different from the person that I have known for years. But is there any harm in portraying yourself in a different manner online than you would in person or playing different roles in different situations in life. For me answering this question is similar to reaching the fork in the road, which road shall I choose? Is there a right or wrong direction to take? Since I assume a number of roles in life I can certainly play whatever role I want to play on whatever stage I choose to occupy. I was raised to believe that only God can judge me however I have often chosen to conform to the worlds standard "to judge and be judged" by those around me. Where am I going with that one? When we decide that someone is not being their authentic self in whatever forum we are judging, plain and simple. (The definition of Judge-Informal To have as an opinion or assumption; suppose) Before you decide to judge me again remember this is my blog and I am entitled to say whatever I want to say in my blog, you do not have to like it or support it. You can stop reading at this point and never return to read another word that spills forth from my heart that is your choice, your choice.  Again I have to admit that I have been known to play the role of a cry baby and I might cry if I knew that you left never to return so am I being authentic in my statement? These United States of America were built on the promise of freedom and equality, a nation where we are allowed to make our own choices, forge our own way in this life... yet racially inequality is still alive and well and Rowe v. Wade is a continuous debate. I am not writing to solve world peace, just calling it how I see it. At the end of the day, be whoever you want to be! Be authentic or as fake as a $3 bill but whichever path you select be happy along the way.

Polonius:
This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.
Farewell, my blessing season this in thee!


Shakespeare's "Hamlet"

Own or rent?

My random thoughts today took me to this question, am I living my life like I own it or am I living my life like I am renting it. So I was blessed to buy a home after looking for 13 years, so I am kind of picky but anyway. I treat my home different than I treated my apartment for a number of reasons, there are no maintenance people to drop by to perform repairs at no extra charge, I know that I will be there for many years to come but most importantly I am proud of it, it is mine and I worked very hard to purchase it. Which brings me back to my question living like a renter or an owner? Do I live like I want to be here for many years to come or do I live like it could all be over tomorrow? Do I mistreat people and behave as if I need no one or do I value and cherish the relationships I have? Do I treat my body as a temple or put garbage in placing no regard on my health? If I were to answer that question truthfully I would have to say it varies from day to day for years my actions have resembled renting my life however lately I have been living the life of an owner. I have decided to live this life unapologetically, I will live my life the way I choose and not make excuses. I will respect my temple and I will respect my brand. Yes I said my brand, everything in life has become a brand and I will protect my brand! So as you embark on each day when you take that look in the mirror to assess how you look ask yourself "how will I live today, like I own my life or like I am renting?" Then go forth and conquer the world!

2 Hours 2 Minutes and 59 Seconds

I picked this title for my first blog entry because that was how long the phone call was that inspired me to finally start writing a blog! I was talking to one of my very best friends in the world. The kind of friend that makes you mad but you still love them no matter what. The kind of friend that leaves a hole in your heart should they disappear. The kind of friend that tells you about yourself and your first response is anger then you take the feedback and apply it to your life and you realize it was some of the best advice you ever received. My love affair with reading and writing started about 20 years ago and just like any classic love affair the love continues to grow. I love writing so much that I obtained a degree in Writing but I have not allowed my love to manifest into anything more than writing for myself and those I love. In the past year there have been several moments of inspiration for me, a friend who wrote and published a novel, several friends sharing their blogs on Facebook and encouragement from numerous friends. But I had a true moment of clarity last week when I was reading a novel, I stopped and said to myself there could be a 40 something woman somewhere in the world holding a book that I wrote, reading a book that I wrote, enjoying a book that I wrote if only I had the courage to write it. The only different between me and Sister Souljah or Colin Channer or Terry McMillan or E Lynn Harris is that they took the first step, they wrote the first word and they continued to write words until they were done. They did not allow the fear of judgment or rejection or failure to stop them from realizing their dream, from allowing their love to grow. So here is my first step, I pray that when I reach the end of this journey it will end the way that all classic love stories end, happily ever after